Gore and Cigars
by Harlequin de Rustre
Summary: Another horrific attempt at giving Naruto awesome macrocosmic powers. READ THE LAST CHAPTER!
1. Dark Visitor

This is a Fan Fic made on a whim and a fancy. Let's get started!

/Screeches to a halt\

But first, my syntax and story notes.

Regular talking: "Hello"

Regular thinking: 'Hi'

Demon talking: **"Greetings"**

Demon thinking: **'Good Day'**

Darkness speaking: **'**_**Greetings, my puppet'**_

Darkness thinking: _**'Good Night, mortal'**_

Jutsu/Natural Power/Demonic Title: **Greetings no Jutsu**

Darkness Power/Title: _**Dark Salute**_

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of Naruto or **_**The Darkness**_**; I am but a puppet. **

------------------------------------------The Foulest Return------------------------------------------

Uzumaki Naruto.

Age 20

Spiky blond hair, innocent blue eyes, five-foot-two, and the physique of an athletic adolescent.

Wearing a black and orange jacket with a red T-shirt underneath, black weighted pants, weighted black sneakers with red lines playing about the soles, and a Leaf nin headband sewed onto a bolt of white cloth.

No marks save whiskers plastered flat on his cheeks and a rather powerful hidden seal on his abdomen. His expression is one of long days gone by, no work to be done, and being a constantly ignored, despite obvious sex appeal: honest and sincere _**boredom**_.

Is currently being sleepy and annoyed. Why, when, and for what reason, one may ask. He is bored because there is nothing to do that's not expected or old. This current silent panic attack is happening at sunset, when all chuunin are sent to their assigned bunks. The reason being that the land of Fire was trounced by all opposing nations in a short and destructive fracas, deterring would-be employers and clients from knocking upon Konohagekure's gates, causing a shortage on A-C ranked missions, leading to unemployed nin and a depression of sorts, leading to shared apartment complexes for shinobi still in action, and leading up to Naruto's own private gloominess.

Now let's see how he's dealing!

Naruto

'I'm sooooooo bored. Bored. Bor-ed. Bread. Board. La bored. Boredness. Bord-ily bordliness. BOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIII—'

'**Would you please stop?!'**

Naruto pauses his internal moaning to observe Kyuubi in his mindscape. The Red Haired Bitch-Vixen, as Naruto dubbed her recently, is currently attempting to throw something-anything- at Naruto to get him to stop his monologue about the monotony of the days.

Usually, when Kyuubi gets into a fit, Naruto listens. This is because nowadays, he has trouble not having girls pull him around by his nuts, seeing as he's putting most of his energy into not being the horny bastard his hormones want him to be. See, most of the female acquaintances Naruto consorts with are pretty in their own ways, leading to various embarrassing and annoying jobs and favors.

Sakura with her eyes. Ino with her ass. Hinata with her Moe cuteness. Tsunade with her bust. Anko and Kurenai with their sensuality. Temari with her sexy outfits. Ten-Ten with her slutty syntax. And Kyuubi with all of these feminine attributes. This assortment of company makes Naruto's life a waking nightmare these days. And it's arduous and boring, all the worse.

'**I do need to sleep, you know.'**

'Keep your skirt on, I'm going on my errands early now. Go back to sleep, red-head, I've had my dose of PMS for today—not to be rude or cynical, of course. I just need some reprieve from the build-up of stress. You know, because you live in my head. Go to sleep, please.'

'**/Sighs\ Alright sweetie. Just try not to concentrate on this stuff. It's paradoxical to try to escape from stress if you dog the subject to no end.' **

'Alright. Bye'

Naruto heads off to get groceries for the girls and takes a shortcut through a back alley. He gets the groceries, and takes the same route back. In the same back alley, a dark hole opens up before him, and a tall figure steps out.

The figure seems to be oozing blood and shadows, with a strange device in his right hand. In a holster is another, different device, which seems to be the counterpart of the other. The man's whole countenance spoke of ageless might and gothic antiquity.

His slick, long hair is as black as midnight, skin as pale as the moon. His eyes radiate a yellow light, bespeaking a dark presence.

He wears a black leather trench coat, full of rips and holes at the bottom edges, a white button-up shirt, black jeans caked with blood and gore, and heavy leather combat boots covered with dried mud.

Despite this and several deep wounds, he exuded a prominence that dwarfed Tsunade's or Orochimaru's own. His face spoke of tragedy and sadness, of hatred and sadistic irony.

"What the—What happened to you? God, you need to get to the hospital ward!" /Drops groceries and proceeds towards the man\

"No need. I'll rest here. My time has come anyway." /Sits down, back to wall\

"Sir, you need help. I can't just leave you to die like this. You still have a chance. I can see that you still have a good amount of blood in your veins, which means the wounds are fresh. You still have a chance."

"I don't care. If you come near me with the sentiment you're carryin', I'll make you into hamburger meat with my guns. I am not gonna live to fight another day, only to have the people who tended to me get slaughtered and devoured by my curse. I plan to die without warning, so that the bugger sittin' in my head can finally bite it."

"'It' being?"

"The dust, you moron. /Winces\ You know: kick the bucket, shuffle off this mortal coil?"

"I'm afraid I don't know those euphemisms—"

"Take a dirt nap, maybe?"

"That one I'm familiar with."

"Well, now you know what I'm getting at. I'd like to live, but the thing inside me will probably pull me into his dreamscape again, and I'll have to be stuck fending off hordes of demons, whilst my comrades are quickly overtaken and eaten, until my body is repaired and he wants me to serve as his puppet again."

"Sounds like deep shit to me."

"If you knew half as much as you think, you'd do more than just remark. Hmm… Is this a different world than mine?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean is this a strange spot on my home world, or am I in a totally different dimension?"

"Still don't know what you're getting at."

"Alright, I'll test you. Ever heard of New York?"

"No."

"How about the United States?"

"Never heard of it."

"How about Christianity? Judaism?"

"Nope. What has this got to do with your current situation? All I know is that you are from a different world, you're dying, and you have some kind of evil beast inside you."

"/Half-mutters\ If only it were only a beast. /Regular voice\ You can potentially help me, only answer this question: Have you ever had any dark fantasies?"

Naruto spaces out and imagines the various hormone-induced daydreams that would be the heavy-duty equivalent of hentai or pornography.

"I mean do you think about bathing in your enemies gore? Or a random person's?"

/Pales and flinches back\ "No! That's just wrong!"

"Okay, you can help me. Place your back along my back" /Shifts around so back is showing\

"Okay." /Places back on stranger's own\

"Think of every want, desire, aspiration, and slightest fancy you think about and remember."

"Okay."

/Waits\ "Okay, now concentrate on your fears, traumas, bad dreams, terrible memories, and bad experience."

"Alright."

'**Um, kit?'**

'What?'

'**I feel as if something's looking at me… like some sort of meal.'**

'Okay… Why do you bring this up now?'

'**Just thought like sharing that.'**

'Now you're scaring me. Not that it's the first time.'

"Um, what are you doing, exactly?"

"Trying to get this monkey off my back."

"It isn't working, is it?"

"…It kind of is, but it doesn't want to just go."

"Why?"

"It seems that you have a different entry point."

"No, sorry, not gay."

"Spiritual entry point, smartass."

"Oh."

/Gets up\ "Tell me, what do others think of you?"

"They think I'm annoying, a pest, their bitch, their servant, their special friend. Then there are other others who think I'm a good guy, a hero, a leader, a wise child, a good fighter. After that are many others who think I'm weak, evil, a demon, a troublemaker, a vagrant, a thief. Why are these important?"

"Not really that significant but… wait… /Panics\ It's pulling out after all. Quick, when is your twenty-first birthday?"

"Tomorrow."

/Winces\ "You're not going to like this much."

"WHAT?!"

"Just keep all the people you like away from you on your birthday. You'll need time… to _adjust_."

"Uh, is this gonna hurt?"

"Not until your birthday."

"Crap."

"Don't worry the transfer is totally painless. In fact, it's doing it already. The black mist crawling up the front of your pants is the thing leaving me for you."

"Okay… So what now?"

"It's almost done."

/Waits\ "Now what?"

"Get my ass to the hospital."

"Alright. One one-way trip to the hospital ward."

The stranger stows his device in his empty holster and the dark portal closes and seeps into the cracks of the cement. Naruto hoists the man delicately, and **shunshins** to the ward lobby. The secretary is busy gossiping with a nurse

"… and she said—What, Naruto?" /Pales\

"Um, maam, this man is seriously injured and is currently bleeding on the waiting room carpet. Is there a good medic nin available?"

"Uh, there's Haruno Sakura--"

"--I should have specified: skilled and non-homicidal. How's that?"

"And I should have specified; Miss Haruno is the only medic nin available. There was a crackdown on drug addicts this afternoon and the majority of staff is taking care of the unconscious and wounded."

/Groans\ "Well, can you tell her that it's an anonymous person who dropped off this guy? The last person I dropped off that was handled by Sakura came back with seven aching vertebra and a bruised pelvis, as well as a concussion and four re-done stitches."

"Too late. She's here; right behind you."

/Slowly and smoothly turns, wearing a livid expression\ "Hi, Sakura"

"Homicidal am I?" /Cracks knuckles\

/Sighs\ "Will you just serve this patient here?"

"How about you go fuck yourself?"

"How about you get a psychiatrist?"

"How about you get a job?"

/Limps over to Sakura\ "How 'bout I stick my hand down your throat and pull a rabbit out your ass? I can do _that_ before I die of blood loss."

/Pales and grimaces\ "Alright… /Looks a Naruto\ And you say _I'm_ homicidal."

Sakura sets about stitching up the holes (no anesthetic) in the man's body, puts in an IV, and gets him a bed in the ward. She also posts her bill, which is exorbitantly high.

"What the- I can't pay this!!"

"Tough. The guy had strange holes in him that are made by who-knows-what which seemed to keep bleeding before I finally took a branding iron to them. Add to that the guy kept criticizing how I did every procedure. It's like he has already had experience in the field. Why didn't he do it himself?"

"Because he had nerve damage. He could barely hold the device he was holding."

"Oh. Speaking of that piece of junk; I threw it out with the other stuff."

/From across the hall\ "WHAT?!"

The man comes storming after Haruno Sakura, who flinches at the major killing intent pouring out of the stranger. He seems very on edge.

"You threw out my guns/Slowly increases in volume\ The ancient and powerful devices that I had on my person… The ones that are incredibly valuable and are truly unique… You THREW THEM OUT?!!!?"

/Quails and speaks in a veritable squeak of a voice\ "Yes."

"YOU CRAZY PIECE OF RAT FODDER!! YOU VILE PEST UPON MEN!!! YOU RETARDED BASTARD-IZED DEMON BITCH!!!! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!"

/Quivers and faints\

/Shakes her back into consciousness, and speaks in a threatening voice\ Where. Did. You. Put. Them. Tell me now or I'll vent myself on your ass. Even a sadomasochistic bitch like you wouldn't like me when I vent."

"I put it in the trash bin. It should be on its way to the dumpster now." /Faints again\

"Ugh. A fucking revenge-based twit. She your girlfriend?"

"No."

"You her bitch?"

"Kinda." /Shuffles his feet\

"'Cause you don't wanna hurt her?" /Cocks eyebrow\

"Uh huh."

"Grab a pair of balls and don't put up with her bullshit. You don't have to get violent, but just don't be a total wuss. Even though she's a typical bull-dyke, even girls like her only really go after a man who's an alpha male. All that other crap is conscious decisions, not subconscious truthfulness."

"I feel faint."

"Sudden revelations do that."

"No, really, I feel like I'm gonna fall over."

/Sniffs air\ "Ah crap."

/Woozy\ "What?"

"Sopor gas. Knocks you out pretty sneaky-like. If you breathe shallow, the sopor gas kind of lingers in your lungs and diffuses into your system, causing neural activity to shut down for a short period. It's basically known as mustard gas's sexy cousin, for it also attacks the nerves. /Looks down\ Amateurs."

"What is it?"

"Instead of the classic vent trick, which works, they are laying the canisters on the floors around the various doorways, so escapers from the fumes are nabbed on the way out. /Squints\ Hey, do you know any emo drag queens?"

"Uh, not really. Why?"

"'Cause some creepy girly man, thinking he's all stealthy and shit, is checking out my ass at five o' clock."

"Wha?"

"My southeast side."

"Huh?"

/Dead pan inflection\ "The gay retard is behind me on my right."

"That's impolite."

"So's trying to sneak up on me when I know you're there. What kind of shit-for-brains do you take me for/Still facing away from the drag queen\ Black, greasy hair, paper-white skin, plastic-looking lips, cherry-red eyes, weird black cloak with non-stealthy red design at the bottom, short black pants, crappy mesh shirt, crappy knife bag, and a lovely pair of shit-covered sandals. Only guy with that crappy kind of fashion sense; it _must_ be Uchiha Itachi, flaming gay and girly pest of **jinkuuriki** and **bijuu**. Oh, and closeted straight guy who has fetishes for banging blond girls' asses. How close am I?"

/Pales\ "Except for the closeted part."

"Sure you are. Why don't you be a dear and fetch my guns before I deck the halls with boughs of intestines?" /Sniffs\

Itachi flinches, and then disappears in a puff of smoke. Naruto looks at the man with renewed wonder. How could he not only detect an S-ranked nin, but also went down the list of various physical and psychological descriptions- without even turning around?

"Okay, to clarify, when in the alley, I went through your mind and learned the various important assets and affiliations in your life. There was a cute girl in a cage in your mindscape. Why is that/Spaces out shortly, as if recalling something\ Oh that's why. Now that I know you, I'll tell you stuff about myself.

I am Jackie Estacado. Hitman, gunslinger, dead man walking. My sordid histories speak for themselves, and my sparkling personality is easily known. I like to be in the shadows, though I am fond of the light as well. My dislikes are too many and too complicated; although one you are allowed to know is the Darkness's nasty habit of control-freakiness. My greatest desire is to live life and keep you yourself from screwing of yours, seeing as you helped me."

"Um, a few minor questions.'

"Yes?"

"What are guns?"

/Deadpans\ "You have to ask the easiest question available, don't ya?

Guns are weapons, like daggers, swords, and bow and arrow sets. However, guns are not necessarily intended to strike, but to send a metal dart called a bullet to pierce something, which is like a bow and arrow set. The differences are many in between. Guns come in different speeds, calibers, and firing actions.

Most guns have a bullet size, called caliber, which is measured by its diameter, also known as the size of the hole it will make in someone when it hits. Standard guns have calibers between 0.05 and 1, though some have come larger and smaller.

The firing action is the way that the bullet is launched. These actions range from bolt action to automatic. Bolt action shots are usually go a lot faster and forcefully than others, for the barrels of the guns are longer and have tighter inside grooves, causing the bullet to pick up speed before it is fully released. Automatic action shots are continual and rapid, causing lots of hits in little time. Unfortunately, this action usually has less kick in the shots, so it typically isn't used in assault-type conditions where there is heavy armor. That's the basics of action shots.

Speeds were aforementioned but are extremely important. The speed at which the gun delivers the bullet determines the amount of time before a likely reload. If you can get your ammo ready in a timely fashion, though most can't or won't, you can keep yourself from dying when in a tight firefight. If you can't intimately predict your gun's imminent ammunition depletion, consider your body replete of its daily dose of iron; meaning that if you don't keep a clip handy, you're Swiss cheese, or a human colander. Either/or.

My guns have different firing actions, calibers, and speeds. Neither of them shoot regular ammo, for their bullets are made of concentrated darkness. My right gun is automatic, .09 caliber, and fast speed. My left gun is revolving, 3 caliber, and slow speed. When used in concert, they are deadly. When not, they are less useful. They also control the _**Darkness**_, whom you'll meet later.

That answers your question on guns. Any other questions?"

"Yeah, uh, how can I get my own? They seem like an interesting area to learn about to break away from the melancholy of drudgery called my present social life."

"You'll be getting guns soon enough. You'll have to wait a few hours before you get them, though. In the mean time, I'll try to squeeze in some training time before that. Please note that guns are made to kill, not to use as toys."

"They said the same thing about knives, but we use them to cut food."

"Technically, knives made to kill are daggers and knives made for other things are just knives."

"Crappy point taken."

"I guess I know now why your social life is suffering. You are cynical when faced with an inescapable problem, but you try your best to be kind, loving, and gentle. This leads to you being a grudging manservant who has extensive hormones to compound this crap."

/Winces\ "That hurt."

"But it's true. I believe the euphemism is that these girlfriends of yours have you by the balls. You should learn to be a dominant yet kind male who acquiesces but does not serve. This sounds strange coming from a big city guy, but trust me, this is an important part of your life."

"Alright, that's- /Meaning of implications dawns upon him\ Hey! They aren't my girlfriends! I agree with the rest of it but—"

"No mere friend asks you to do the things they ask you to do. Just because they hide it doesn't mean it isn't there."

"Wait…Hold up…How can they want me? I'm loud, I complain a lot. Tsunade has depression issues and she's way older than me! So are Kurenai and Anko! And Ino has a boyfriend!"

"Shit happens. You have charisma. So sue yourself—oh, wait, you can't, otherwise you'd be a schizo."

"Fuck."

"You admitted your mistakes, which means there is some progress in the right direction…where the hell is that drag queen with my guns?"

A sudden boom answers the question, followed by a woop of agony. They race to the source of the sound to see Mizuki and Itachi fighting over the guns.

/Mizuki\"Give me the device! I found it first!"

/Itachi (obviously)\"Give me that thing! If I don't some psychotic bastard is going to gut me!!"

"This is my key to power! You can't stop me!"

"I'm an S-rank missing nin, not that drunken whore that you slap around every night. I'll rip you apart!"

"I have the bigger thunder stick! You'll be a smear on the pavement! Then I'll collect your bounty—if there are enough recognizable parts."

/Jackie\ /Sweatdrops\/Incredulous tone\ "Thunder stick? Man you're lame. Before I take your arm and beat you with it.

"Never!"

/Pinches brow and sighs\ "Look, give me the gun before I use your head as a football and your dick as an inkwell." /Eyes flash yellow\

"No/Pulls trigger, but nothing comes out\ What the—"

"Only one of or in the shadows can wield it indefinitely. Fork over the gun before the words rearranged and outside describe your organs."

/Pales and limply hands over the gun\/Pisses himself\

"There's a good boy. Now go home and have mommy clean you up."

/Scampers away with difficulty\

"Okay, pussy boy, your turn."

/Hands the gun over\

"My advice for you is to get a life and a new wardrobe. Akatsuki went downhill a long time ago." /Smiles warmly\

Itachi walks away, straining against the impulse to cry or curse. Jackie looks on with pity before turning to Naruto.

"So, let's get started on your training!"

"HURA—"/Stops short and continues cheering, on the inside\

Naruto leads Jackie over to the training grounds, heads over to area 37, and waits for Anko and Asuma to leave. As soon as the two jounin are gone, they approach the clearing.

"That was randy."

"Let's stay on task. What I show you shall not be divulged to others, understand?"

/Enthused\ "Right!"

"Seeing as I'm about nine years wiser, I'll fill you in- with no interruptions from the peanut gallery. That means keeping your yapper closed until I say when."

"Now my techniques were good before my twenty-first, and they got better as the post-Apocalyptic **Imbalance** set in on my world and I had to fend off various police task forces.

My efforts became known after **Equilibrium** was achieved. I got medals. Then I proceeded to round up various outlaws and prison-breakers across the States. Things got messy when **Off-Worlders** came and started "sight seeing". My business got fucked up, ending in a bloody shoot-'em-up against assorted "heroes".

That's how I wound up here. This story of mine is one that easily tells observant people that you never learn enough in life.

The life I lead makes money for two sects of people: the gunslingers and the gravediggers. Reasons why are very well known.

This brings me to my point. This is a skill made to ensure death, not peace. The only peace comes from all people like us dying out. That means chaos. Meaning "peace" is either a totally bullshit sentiment or an impossible ideal. I've believed the latter for a long time.

Either way, guns aren't tools so much as friends, for they'll protect you if you take care of them. They aren't other people's friends, though, no matter how you use them. The only "good" gun is a broken one and that's usually bad for you, so don't take any pacifist crap from any nay-sayers.

Note that what I mean by that isn't 'blow their heads off'. That there is the worst way to go; wasting ammo by putting a bullet in anything that gives you trouble. The rule of the gunslinger is to 'Waste nothing and spend less'. This means all assets. Keep from making huge efforts when you could simply do it with less trouble is one way to look at this. The other way to look at this phrase is taking anything, including lives, can be considered a waste if it goes against your morals and your judgment as well as others' and giving without thought or argument is sheer folly in most circumstances. I regard the latter in this case too.

In all modesty, believe in yourself. Your abilities are never limited, no matter the design of form and intentions. Don't think you are God or some other high being and you will be indestructible.

What I have said you should take to heart, so's you don't get yer ass kicked and you don't cause damage to present society.

Now for the lesson. We'll be starting small with paintball guns so you don't kill something. Then we'll progress to targets, then real guns, then finally advanced gun fighting techniques.

First things first, more advice. Guns aren't swords, for they don't work like that. You use the trigger to move the bullet to your target. Bullets are naturally fast, so don't try dodging them until you know enough about firing the damn things. For now, we learn about basic shooting and taking cover…"

This goes on for another hour, with Jackie explaining various ideas in basic gun tactics and why they are essential. Naruto, having no sense and less patience, near forgot a few of the steps. Luckily, the stuff that wasn't memorized is pounded back into him during field training.

"Now for drills."

"Drills?!"

"Yes, dammit, drills. You need rigid form in order to at least keep the recoiling gun from attacking your face or blowing off your comrade's foot. One time in my distant memories, I remember some jackass got hopped up while standing off against hitmen while standing shotgun in a fast-moving car. Dumbass tripped and ended up with his brains decorating the back of a slow-moving truck.

Situations like that are the reasons why gunslingers are feared: because most people are such dumbasses, they are their own worst enemy times two with a gun in their hands. Drills and hard exercises prevent that sort of thing. Mind you that it doesn't make one invincible. Always keep somewhat flexible.

/Goes into a double-hand stance with a Desert Eagle handgun\ Now put your arms like this with your paintball gun. Try not to be too sloppy."

/Imitates stance\

"No, no. Tuck in that elbow and put that foot of yours back a few inches. A stealthy adversary can hamstring you that way."

/Acquiesces\

"Better, better. That's a good imitation, but your shoulder's sticking out. You want to keep your muscles a little relaxed, so you can aim and shoot properly and fluidly. You need to be a tinch loose, even when in a heavy firefight. The last thing you want is Meta-Carpal or Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome in the heat of battle.

Be sure to keep active, too. Every ounce of your being has to be in keeping your body free of bullets and wounds. You can't put a bullet in your opponent's head if you have one already in yours.

Now you're lapsing again. Elbow in, shoulders down, foot back…

/Elbow in, shoulders down, foot back\

"_There ya go._ /Pats Naruto on the back\ Moving on to rifles. They can be the worst thing to encounter untrained, for these things are bolt action, and they'll make you dead pretty quick."

And the drills go on for a bit, until Naruto has the hang of several different gun models. Then they move on to what every nerd over the age of ten dreams about: shooting two guns at once.

"Alright. The stances are tricky here seeing as this is a graceful art form more than anything, which can be good for your rep, but bad for your health if you aren't fully trained in this area. Two guns mean three times the concentration, not twice.

Here's why: most people are not ambidextrous, leading to inaccuracy in one arm. To solve this problem: practice, practice, practice. Then BAM! You have it! As I said before, flexibility is a good investment. /Thinks\

Let's start with just flintlock pistols for now. I don't want more than two new holes on my person.

Alright take your simple double gun 'hold fire' stance."

/Tries the stance\

"Hmm… There's a major difference between single and double 'hold fire' stances. The single's butt faces forward. The double's butts face out sideways. Try again."

/Tries again\

"Good, you're actually getting the hang of this. Now for the standard firing stance."

This and other stances, with different guns, take about forty minutes more of the night to learn. The current time is 9:32 PM. Naruto has learned the basics, and now asks to be dismissed, for Ino will kill him if he misses his own birthday celebration. Jackie asks to come along, seeing as he has no home yet and he wants to establish relationships among the various denizens of the city.

Naruto **shunshins** home, with Jackie close behind. They make it to the apartment, which is of decent size, and proceed in.

/Ino\ "Naruto, hi. Glad you made it!"

"Hey Ino. Mind if my friend joins us?"

"Sure. Just make sure that you guys don't track dirt in. I just fixed the place up and I'd like this place to be clean for an extended period for once."

Naruto nods at this. Ino has the reputation for having a place that looks like some kind of magpie nest or crack den. Thankfully, Hinata's persistent visits led to her some good habits rubbing off on Ms. Yamanaka. _Some_. As they enter, they discover various clumps of clothes in corners of the room, as well as a mountainous pile of dust to the side. As their hostess tends to the last few messes, Jackie makes his observations.

"This place looks nice. Some real coin went into the painting job, and the furniture ain't too shabby. Too bad the laundry disrupts the effect as a whole. Still, the apartment ain't too shabby."

Ino comes back with drinks, all alcoholic, ranging from sweet sake to black rum. She then produces a vast array of glasses, all meant for a specific purpose. They talk, they laugh, they discuss various typical social matters and not-so-typical other matters. It is a grand old time, despite there being only three participants.

When the clock turns to 11:45, Ino is decently drunk and starting to get a 'little' frisky, Jackie is looking a little nervous, and Naruto is feeling oddly sad, even though he is having a good time. He turns to Estacado, feeling worse by the minute.

"Jackie?"

"Hmm/Pales\ Oh, shit. I know that look. You need to get to your apartment -- fast. /Gets panicky\

Uh, miss Yamanaka?"

/Drunkenly\"Yehz? Whad izz et?"

"Seeing as we've spent plenty of time together, and that you're quite drunk, may Naruto leave? I think the black rum got to him. I'll just get him back to his apartment and I'll come back to keep you company /Looks around\ and help clean up /Sweatdrops\."

/Drunkenly\"Shoooouurrr. Dooooo whet yeeeeh-oooooo maahhhhst."

Naruto and Jackie make it out sharpish, rush over Naruto's nearby domicile, and nearly kick down the door trying to get in. Poor Uzumaki. He looks like he's nearly about to puke his guts out.

"Sit down in that chair facing the window. Moonlight makes the transformation easier, trust me."

"WHAT?! TRANSFORMATION?!"

/Nonchalantly\ "You wanted to save my sorry ass, now here's the consequence: possibly the vilest being in all of reality is permanently housed within your being. This thing makes demons from Hell look like toddlers burning ants with a magnifying glass.

Seriously, this being is the only **Kekkei Genkai**, or **Generational Bond**, that is quite literally sentient. The only upsides being that it will guard you far better and far more intimately that any other being, save your family members, and that it will give you new powers and unnatural resilience.

That said, the real downers to this situation are the being inhabiting you is pure evil and manipulative as hell. Plus his voice will scare the living crap out of you the first few times, be unnerving for quite a few years, then after that, his rasping voice inflection is just really freaky.

_**He**_ is respectable in _**His**_ own rights, when _**He's**_ not a total blood-lusting fuck. /Looks at the clock\ Oh, uh, good luck to you/Backs away toward the front door and opens it\ and, uh, you'll know when it's beginning because it's really dramatic. /Gets out and behind the door\ The transformation is complete when you hear _**His**_ cant. /Slowly closes the door\ And don't come out for a few days, for a bloody slaughter is needed to stabilize your _**Dark Form**_. Bye!" /Shuts the door and locks it from the outside\

Naruto stares at the clock and sighs pathetically as he awaits his imminent transformation. He feels the room's atmosphere grow colder and more disheartening as the second hand ticks by.

'Kyuubi, I feel like I'm gonna die…'

'**Well, this **_**is**_** the surfacing of a **_**Dark One**_**, a powerful and ancient being. Hell, this guy's older than me and several times /Yawn\ stronger. I'll need to nap, 'cause when a **_**Dark One **_**comes onto the mortal plane, it isn't pretty. I saw the coming of the **_**Overfiend**_** and **_**C'thulu the Appendaged**_**, and this guy tops them out hands down and buried. Get ready; it's 11:59…'**

'Thanks for the votive of confidence… Aw, I feel like sheeeeee-at.'

And then it struck twelve.

Naruto feels like his eyes are boiling in the sockets, his skin feels like its on fire, and his stomach churns like a sea during a maelstrom. Then his orifices start excreting a foul green substance, so pungent he can't breathe right, so foul tasting and thick that he gags upon its fumes.

'_**Let it out… Just let it out… Your true birthright is at hand…'**_

That seems fine-- but how? And what is it that he's supposed to 'let out'?

'_**Your rage… Your malice… Your pain…In short, the Darkness in your heart…'**_

And he did.

The liquid gushed with greater intensity for several moments, slows down to a trickle, and then stops. What the hell was that?

'_**Call it a purge. You are my new puppet. Thy purpose is to serve me, now…**_

_**Host…Servant…Puppet...Demon of a new Age…My pawn and only disciple…'**_

An insatiable hunger arises within Naruto. Death means nothing now. Hell is but a cage to be broken. The world shall know true power.

'_**And it shall…'**_

A bang and a shout, a mob of hate-filled _sheep_ rush in. Naruto smiles. About time. He's known this attack is premeditated by those still consumed with the old and rotting ways of thought and action… Why, this was what used to be what filled him with terror at night; the ever present danger of a knife in his chest by the very people he lived around…

Now, however, heh-heh, it's a good whetting stone for his newly forged raw power. Better yet, now that his form is different, he cannot be pinned by investigators…To the impending slaughter.

"Your time is up, demon! We have grown tired of your foul and twisting ways, desiring to hide in some hole and then come out to infect our village with your perversions! It ends now!!!"

A cold and hellish laugh pervades the area, no distinct direction to its source, and a chilling and unnatural music pervades the place. As the last man enters, the door shuts silently behind them, and they set their eyes upon a lone figure, with pitch black hair and deathly skin, gazing with a quiet intensity upon them. Of course, this is Naruto, but, somehow, he is more threatening in his standing still than all the times he fought assailants while in a **Tailed State**.

Unperturbed, the irascible and zealous villagers charged him, and quickly, the first few fell. Naruto, bloodthirsty, rebounded of a nearby wall and started hurling kunai. More went down.

"Get the lights! He's picking us off! We don't need another tragedy upon the village!"

And the lights are broken with rocks.

With that, their fate is sealed.

The music becomes louder, and shadows twist and turn. The moon seems to grow in brightness, and yellow eyes are seen within a patch of darkness. More glowing eyes join and fear thickens in the air. Darting claws and slithering tentacles are glimpsed from various areas within the room.

And as quickly as the lights were outed, all hell breaks loose. The victims scream as their bodies are rended and torn, and others cower and attempt to flee the madness. Some jump out the windows, others hide in corners, and still others try to get out the front door. The latter two; their fate is no surprise. Those terrified enough to try the windows either fell to their deaths or crippled themselves by landing on roofs far below. None escaped unscathed. All knew the _**Darkness's**_ _**Coming**_.

Surprisingly, none but the ill fated attackers shall know of the evil that has come to Konohagekure. Though, nothing is for certain…

'_**I am the Devil, the Devil I am**_

_**And I wait for the coming of an innocent man**_

_**Be he young or be he old**_

_**Be his pockets full of gold**_

_**Be he happy or rich or wise**_

_**Be the ocean be as blue as his eyes**_

_**I'll wait for his coming at the midnight hour**_

_**I'll pickle his soul and turn it sour**_

_**For once his innocent heart I see**_

_**That innocent man belongs to me…'**_

_**Darkness**_ has arrived.

To be Continued…

That is it. I shant ruin the moment, so my comments shall not be listed forthwith.

Don't despair; I'll update this frequently.


	2. The Dark Hello

Okay, I'm back.

I pretty got a standing ovation on this my second Fan Fic, so I'll satiate your desires for this Naruto/Darkness Crossover.

First, I'd like to say that participation in my polls is a must. Reviews are very important to me as well. If you find nothing wrong with my Fan Fic, go for the polls. If you have some qualms with it, review.

If you'd like to say how great my Fan Fic is, send me a PM, the option for which is found in my profile. But please, for the love of God, don't put together some review with some inane comment; I don't like that so much. Reviews are for critique and honest opinion, not just honest opinion on its own. That's like eating you food uncooked; not necessary.

If you want to let me know that you like my Fan Fic, and don't find anything wrong with it, send me a PM instead of reviewing. Go ahead, do it. I don't bite. Much.

This chapter may be a bit short or unsatisfying, so prepare yourselves for any disappointment. Tell me if you think so immediately.

This is a follow-up to the constant reviews and hits. It's all so sudden. I _was_ working on a really horny Diablo Fic, but I decided to treat you guys. Don't worry, I update constantly, so you faithful fans are never going to see that day when shit hits the fan for me. I'll persevere for you guys, I will. Anyway, let's see this Fic underway!

----------------------------------------------------The Dark Hello-------------------------------------

Panting, dripping sweat, Naruto looks upon the carnage he wrought. Never before had he seen so much blood and gore. The sight is truly unnatural. And he has no hard feelings, for some reason.

He knows he's justified, for they had tried to kill him, but there is some malevolence to it all. Like they were _culled_. Maybe he's crazy. Or maybe he's just led a shitty life.

'_**Nonsense, childe. You had your reasons. This is my gift to you. No worthier a being have I come upon to be my puppet, my messenger. Thusly, I shall allow you **_**some**_** free reign.'**_

"Who is this? Why are you condoning me for this…_slaughter_?"

'_**I don't. I wish it. For your means are mine, and mine are yours.'**_

"Why do you inhabit my body?"

'_**You are a worthy host. Jackie is a truly bountiful harbinger for my will. He is the only vessel who did me any favors, any true service. **_

_**The others just plodded away their time upon useless plots and vendettas, whereas **_**he**_** decided a new course. He wastes no time upon pitiful social grievances, and heads to the festering wounds in all places, then puts my abilities to the test in new ways.**_

_**He is truly my puppet. His eyes see a straight path, with all he ever desires upon it, and turns his back. He sees a twisting and changing road, with unknown fears and dangers, and goes forth to conquer it to his own ends. **_

_**My disciple takes my destructive powers, and uses them to benefit all around him as the beings who fight for 'good' attempt to destroy it. He does not bow to my will. He is my will.**_

_**By being the evil beast that all fear, he helps those that need. A being of the dark, fighting for the light. An odd choice. And the only one who has made it. He, who serves me and sates my thirst, yet aids those plagued by these… crusaders of light. **_

_**Bah. The only holy thing about those beasts is their armor, which they wrested from their elders. A dark messenger sends new disciples to my side, all while being the thing they fear.**_

_**When the time came for him to leave his world, he struck the thread of life from the Fates' grasping talons and took he made his own destiny. As he came to death's door, he decides to pass on my legacy, to one able to carry my aims to the end. I accepted his offer, if only as a favor for his loyalty to me. And here I am, your new master.'**_

"Alright, but answer me. I want to know who you are and why you are in love with Jackie."

Naruto is getting a little perturbed by the latest inhabitant in his body. And why didn't Jackie mention that this "sentient bloodline" was really, _**really**_ powerful? Just look at what happened! The carnage is something Orochimaru couldn't pull off, and he's insane.

'_**I am **__**The Darkness**__**, your puppetmaster. I **_**favor**_** my host, Jackie Estacado, for he has done me great services. My power has never risen so greatly in over eons, and the ranks of my minions has bolstered tenfold over a course of months.**_

_**I thank you for your reverence at my presence. Most of my new hosts complain exorbitantly over an ancient evil dwelling inside their souls, fearing that I will be their ruin. You are second host to take my arrival with some dignity. Jackie, the first of course, though his time during my arrival was not one for rolling over and sobbing pathetically.**_

_**But you are the first to regard me with true honor within the first day. I must be casual, for you are but a boy who rose from a weak society. Such imbeciles. And they thought the little girl was a threat…Hmm…what will they think of **_**my**_** appearance? Though I must digress, Jackie has picked the most suitable dimension to step upon for this occasion. Such festering vice and cruelty. This shall be a year for all to strike from history's testament.'**_

Naruto might warm up to this odd demon, but the rasping voice needs some getting used to… not to mention the extreme bloodlust.

"So, what do we do now?"

'_**We sleep.'**_

"And the mess?"

'_**The minions will take care of it.'**_

Naruto observes as the dark creatures that aided him before as they creep towards the bodies and start to eat them.

"How about we just bury the bodies?"

'_**Too many questions will be asked. Best we get rid of the evidence this way.'**_

"Um, but what of the blood stains?"

'_**They will eat the floor, if necessary. These are beings previously created by cautious hosts. Nothing evades them. Not even a stain.'**_

"Alright…Guess I'd better start sawing logs before these guys totally nauseate me."

Naruto walks to his bed and flops over onto the mattress. This situation will need getting used to. Especially now that there's going to be some sort of rivalry between the two dark beings inhabiting his person. Thinking about this, Naruto falls into a deep slumber.

Just then Jackie Estacado makes his entrance. He quietly observes the carnage and makes his way to the moonlit window and sits in the chair near it. The Darklings and Creepers pay him little heed as they "clean up".

"Ah, to be free…Now how will Naruto keep his life in check now that the most powerful dark force rests in his soul? I should have waited, at least until I knew his whole situation."

"_**It's not like you gave him a choice. He's a hopeless sympathetic, and has a history of overdoing things. How did you suppose it would turn out, eh, Jackie?"**_

Jackie jumps. _**The Darkness**_ is in Uzumaki Naruto, yet he still hears its voice? What the hell?

"How can you speak to me?"

"_**It is simple. I decided to just stay here. I am **__**The Unseen**__**, his lesser essence. I am, in all technicalities, his brother. This is cliché and unexpected, but hell it's real. I'm not famous for the fact that I have the tact of a drunken whore and the stomach for more sneaky things. I am the palpable essence of thievery and the inspiration of dishonor. **_

_**That said, I am called informally **__**Ryuk**__**, scion of mischief. The "true" Ryuk is some apple lusting trickster with the compassion of a drug-addict going without a high. **_

_**I hope our relationship blossoms, despite my obvious flaws. Like my random statements."**_

"Funny. _**The Darkness**_ never mentioned a brother."

"_**Ah, he likes to maintain his dignity. You can't be seen as the ultimate warlord if you have a plucky baby brother who calls you by your pet name?"**_

"He has a pet name?"

"_**Yeah, and ironically, it's also his real name. Our real names hold full importance when we are immortal beings. Look what happened to Ra. **_

_**His misfortune was sealed when Isis abused its use so that her husband could return to life, and then some djinn caught her and fucked her until she spilled the beans. Now the "Great Sun God of Egypt" is a depressed hedgehog who can't die and can't say a word. The upside is that he can write just fine. Now he spends his time mailing chain letters all over the world. That explains one of various strange things that happen in life. Now if I can just find out why the really sexy women are somewhat crazy."**_

"You are _**The Darkness's**_ brother, so what can you do, exactly?"

"_**Lessee… With me in your body, you shall be able to climb on walls and ceilings, as long as you can remain unseen, which is a 'no, duh' thing if you notice my name. **_

_**You can also jump fantastically high, and fall great distances without any real damage. You shall be able to dodge anything. And I mean anything. You shall have an extensive memory that shall never fade, and you can imitate and learn particularly fast. You shall be able to see in the dark. You can form the shadows into palpable objects that you can manipulate. The darker the shadow, the more solid the object. Oh, and with me you have a knack for ventriloquism and vocal imitation."**_

"How will those last two come in handy?"

"_**You have no idea."**_

"I'll take your word for it."

"_**Oh, and I can exit your body at will. Your abilities will linger for about half a day, then they will begin to lessen until they are gone by next sunup."**_

"Exit my body at—How are you related to _**The Darkness**_ if you aren't bound by a host?"

"_**Simple, really. I **_**am**_** bound to you. Very strictly I might add. If I don't return to my chosen host, I start to go insane. No joke. Then my body begins to fall apart. Then I start feeling exaggerated amounts of pain. Then I die after about three centuries."**_

"How do you know this? If you die, you **die**."

"_**Wrong. Remember when you "died"? You were held in my brother's subconscious. This is how I will go if I abandon you. But I can't escape my host. After about four weeks in the realm of the dead, I shall be pulled into my host's body, whether he's dead or alive. **_

_**I shall stay there until robs from that person, usually his resting place. Then I am forced to inhabit in that guy's body until he is killed by my brother, or I pull the same stunt. As you see, it's extremely taxing for me. This occurrence had been repeated about five thousand and seventy-three times. My life sucks this way."**_

"Huh, that's really quite sad."

"_**You bet your ass it is."**_

"So how is it that you're his brother?"

"_**Call it this way: big brother is the perfect evil, while I'm the stunted freak who 'happened' after the 'parents' tried making him again. He's the ultimate song of darkness, while I'm just a few of the notes. **_

_**Chew on this one as well: I've had some problems lately. Mainly keeping a certain slut off my ass. I know that I'm not pretty, and that I'm probably the weakest champion of the **__**Dark Side**__**, but I have serious issues with girls when I step out of my host's body. **_

_**That's why I've been named **__**The Unseen**__**, and not **__**The Thieving Soul**__**. I've been keeping unseen for my whole existence. None have seen me and have found me again. My life is a constant battle, while my brother's is only a river that ebbs and flows. Only in my most feeble hours, only when I am struck down and faced with true death, do I fully make my existence known.**_

_**I am mortal, unlike my brother. I am only living so long for I have to be kept to my bonds. Breach of contract is not an option. "True death" is when I am threatened by a likely demise, when all hope is lost.**_

_**When that happens, I get ugly. I mean REALLY UGLY. I dwarf even my brother in those final hours. No foe has seen that state and lived. That is, if there is a foe facing me. I am almost totally different when I go there. My form's name can only be heard on the lips of the wind, and that's by only those with clear ears and solemn eyes. You have a soul wrought of fire, so when you hear it, it'll sound like **__**Death**___

_**But, when I'm not, which is very often, I'm random, goofy, and with a case of sticky fingers. See, that's how I am. Now you know who's there and why he is."**_

With that, Jackie is truly astonished. How can there be these two, of the same bond but of different minds, of similar destinies, yet with unlike lives? One's a murdering force of nature, while the other is a tragic enigma? They are of the same force, but they are clear opposites? Some serious thought must be put into this, not to mention informing Naruto of this development. But first, one must sleep.

"_**Not yet. Please, do me the favor of thieving for me. I need to stretch my legs and feel what it is to live again."**_

"And just how do I do that?"

"_**Steal for me."**_

"WHAT?! But I just got here! I'll be a suspect!"

The sudden outburst causes the dark minions to jump, which, as one can imagine, is a rare sight. When Jackie raises a gentle palm, they settle down quickly and continue devouring the evidence.

"_**Not quite likely. Only about four beings have seen you: Naruto, me, my big brother, and that crazy bitch that nearly poked me with that **__**Light**__**-enhanced needle. Now let's get this show on the road before sunup."**_

"Alright, if you're sure. So what do we do first?"

"_**We start by getting you to start practicing sneaking and pick-pocketing. The streets are the spot for this."**_

Jackie gets started on his odd mission as Naruto sleeps. He creeps out the window, and steals out into the night. And he falls the long, long, long way to the ground below. Be lands with barely a light thump.

"_**Hmm, seem that you know how to avoid falling flat on your face. Looks like you have some experience."**_

"Having to jump outta a few burning buildings does that to ya."

"_**Now, let's find our first pigeon."**_

Estacado a-spies a streetwalker, snoozing while standing up. In her lightly clenched fist is a large wad of cash.

"How about this one?"

"_**Okaaaayyy--no. The girl's been on the street for a few years, so she probably is a light sleeper. I thought you were a mob man. Don't you deal with shit like this?"**_

"No, I don't. I was a hitman, not a thug. I kill people, I don't steal from them."

"_**And now you are. Let's find another."**_

Jackie is more cautious in his selection this time. He looks at numerous potential targets before settling on a drunken old man. He doesn't seem too much like a threat.

"And this one?"

"_**Perfect… Go for the wallet, if he still has one. Novice thieves like to go after easy targets like this one. Be sure not to take too much so the owner will miss it."**_

"Okay, here I go…"

The nervous pickpocket steals behind the geezer and slips his hand into the inner coat pocket. Score! Jackie retrieves a money pouch with several pieces of metal money, several of which are golden tabs.

"_**Those are called ryo. Take only about three of the ten. Obviously this vagrant comes from money. Then take two of the bronze pieces, known as yen."**_

"/Whispers\ Alright."

"_**Now here's the hard part: put the pouch back."**_

"/Whispers harshly\ What?! That's crazy/Settles down\ But I understand."

The old man notices zip when Jackie slips the pouch back in. However, someone else does. Jackie walks away, trying to keep suspicion off his back.

"_**Nice… Too bad it's close to sunup, or I'd suggest another few rounds. Now, for a bit of lifting."**_

"I'm familiar with the term. So what do we do?"

"_**Get over to a nice, dark area and take a look around. When you see a good candidate, I'll decide if it is."**_

The greenhorn burglar strolls lazily down the street, takes a turn, and mosys over to a closed dango shop. The windows are small and look fairly fragile. The door looks a bit old. This would be easy if it weren't for the humongous metal grill barring entry.

"_**This is a good one."**_

"Um, problem. It's locked and I'm not Hercules. I can't bust through that."

"_**A good cat burglar can get in anywhere and not damage anything. Even a female politician's cunt. **_

_**Here's where you'll start picking up the trade of lockpicking. Make a nice, thin wire and good long hook."**_

"Problem: I'm not made of metal, I can't shit out tools, and there's no such place here with those things falling out."

"_**Ah, but that's why I said **_**make**_** one. And there's another reason why I said select a nice, **_**dark**_** area. You will now learn how to take shadows and make things from them. You are going to start with shaping a shadow with your hands."**_

Jackie puts his hand to the darkened ground, and attempts to pull something up. Strangely, the shadow pulls away as he finds purchase and starts to take it away.

"_**Not that much. I say the amount in your fist is enough. Rip away the excess, and start making your tools."**_

He does as _**Ryuk**_ asks and ends up with two really strange-looking pieces of shadow. One is somewhat like a wire, yet it wiggles around a bit. The other seems to have the semblance of a hook, yet it seems to change its generic size.

"_**A decent first try! Most try to make these look too much like a professional lockpick, ending up with a screaming pair of **__**Shadow Tines**__**, which are extremely daunting to any flatfoot. **_

_**The failure the endured these previous hosts has spawned the story of the Mandrake root, which is supposed to scream if pulled from the ground, which usually knocks out the one who pulled it from its earthy home. This is why I take the reins these days when the new host needs a way in. **_

_**Fortunately, you're not stupid, so let's proceed… Put the tools in the lock, and start poking up with the hook piece. Then when you've gotten the first tumbler loose, push the wire up perpendicular to secure its staying that way. Repeat until you've unlocked that piece. And for God's sake, don't mess up."**_

"Hmm. This should be interesting…"

/Places the hook in\

"Good…"

/Pushes up and undoes the first tumbler\

"Success!"

/Places wire in horizontal and pushes up.\

/Proceeds with the hook and taps the second tumbler a few times before finding purchase\

Jackie begins to sweat a little. This is sort of exhilarating. It's funny how something so small can affect something so big. Now here's something that he could pick up as a hobby… Hmm… Picking locks for varied occasions. Heh.

"_**Nice job. Now for those last two."**_

"Right."

Jackie finishes off the lock and twists. The lock, surprisingly, doesn't open.

"What the—"

"_**This device is ancient hardware… Twist a little further."**_

The excited rogue does so and a little "snick" sound is heard. Jackie pushes up and the grill yields. Success never was so sweet.

"_**Push it up only a little, we don't want our little venture to be noticed. Now get in there."**_

Jackie rolls under and inspects the door. Looks like it's deadbolted. Now how did the owners enter?

"_**Look around for a switch. It's probably above you, near the door jamb."**_

He does so and lo and behold, there is a small rod poking out of a uniform gap above the door. He slowly pushes it to the right and the door unlocks. The would-be thief peeks in and is nearly skewered by a number of small, pointy wooden sticks, he side-steps this and proceeds in looking around the rest of the joint.

"Man, where is the safe? I know people like this are a bit paranoid, but I don't see it anywhere…"

"_**Try the floorboards. Start with the ones in the back corner, behind that nice little stove."**_

Jackie takes a look there. Nothing. Then he knocks on the floor and gets a hollow sound. He pries up the wooden slats by some strange cracks and peeks in. There's the safe, covered with a grey blanket. Now this particular piece of hardware is an evil-looking device, state of the art, with no real weaknesses in the casing.

"_**Flip it over; it probably has the backbone of a tin can."**_

/Flips it\

"Uhm, _**Ryuk**_, this safe is pretty solid. How am I supposed to get this open in the grunt manner?"

"_**By shaping a shadow into a heavy mallet and tapping it a few times. Not too hard, we don't want unwanted attention."**_

Jackie takes a wad of shadow and molds it into a strange striking tool with a nasty back edge that looks like a log-poker. He begins thumping the container lightly, then he bashes it once. It caves, but it doesn't break.

"_**Use the pointy edge like an old-fashioned can opener. That way, we'll see this bugger open quickly."**_

Estacado rips at the weakened areas and soon has a few rips in the overall surface.

"_**Now take the mallet and shape it into a nice, large hook."**_

He does so with more care than his other tries and ends up with the exact shape he wanted.

"_**See? You've already got something. Now dull down the edge before you poke yourself."**_

/Rounds off the point\

/Pries away the slashed pieces\

Inside is a large collection of linen drawstring bags with many ryo and yen coins inside each. Both Jackie and _**Ryuk**_ are jubilant.

"Yes! Success! I'm rich!"

"_**Hmm. Nice score, for a first time. Now take only one bag, we want the owners to let us raid them again. Make sure it's small."**_

"/Let Down\ Oh, all right. I suppose you're thinking ahead a lot, so I'll acquiesce." /Takes away a small bag with a few ryo and a miniscule sealed scroll\

"_**Let's lock up as we go. We want to avoid suspicion. Seal up the safe with some shadow first. Go for a flat, almost totally two-dimensional disk and stick it on the back. Wait two minutes, and then flip over the safe."  
**_

Jack does all this and replaces the floorboards, then sneaks out the door. He closes it and relocks it. He pushes down the grill until he hears a click and backs up. From there, he straightens up and walks away.

"So, how did I do?"

"_**A good first effort. I believe my best hosts were not of "the trade" when I came into them. You would have to be one of two of my best. **_

_**The other is Harlequin, who, as he was such a great guy, I gave half of myself away to him so he would continue to have my company and abilities as I myself continue onwards."**_

"/Thoughtfully\Hmm. That's quite a statement. I'm honored."

"_**As an added bonus, we can quit early… after we lose the bitch tailing us."**_

"/Nervously\ Eh, what? We're being tailed?"

"_**Yeah, she has been watching us since after your little maneuver with the old drunk. The woman was looking out from inside the little porno shop you were in front of at the time. She wasn't doing anything rash, so I let it slide. **_

_**We need to get rid of the broad before we can head over to Naruto's. My brother didn't work so hard to be sure to deflect the heat on his host for you to just bring some more on our heads."**_

"So what does the tracker look like?"

"_**She is sexy and horny. Has a real pretty face, but she smile is really scary.**_

_**Her bod' is smokin', her clothes speak of sexual desperation. **_

_**She wears a mesh shirt and a tight blue combat vest. Her black pants are short and tight, and mesh shorts. **_

_**The trivial accessories are clip-on nipple rings, Brazilian-cut lace thong, oh, and a ninja headband with a carved leaf symbol.**_

_**She also has her hair in a tight spike-tail and it's naturally purple. **_

_**Shown habits are pinching her nipples, licking her lips when she looks at your butt, and smiling that scary smile. **_

_**This all speaks of a girl who needs some love. That's the reason why she's not that much of a threat. However, you still need to ditch her."**_

"/Sarcastically\ Well, that was really helpful! How about you sex it up a bit? Could you add in her measurements for a bonus?"

/Seems to not take the hint\ _**"Her measurements on her bust are 30 DDD, her hips measure circa 33. Her waist is about 29 ½. Pretty balanced, by my guess. **_/Sarcastically\_** That all you want to know, or do you want to know how old she is? She's a bit younger, with no real evidence of aging. How about the depth of her—"**_

"Okay, okay… I get it. You don't like my being a little acerbic. Now how do you suppose we deal with this… problem?"

"**Shunshin**_**. It's a good opportunity to learn it. Just try to put your all into running fast and try to get in touch with you "inner force" and use it to power you speed. I tell ya, this particular **_**Jutsu**_**, or technique, comes in handy. Now do what I said."**_

"Right."

"Uh, how do I try to channel my 'inner force'?"

"_**I say try the standard **_**Mana Mantra**_**, which is good for beginners. Put your palms together and chant the following phrase: '**_**Mena Ah-Nah Ne-Veh Argo-Uus**_**'. This will cause your **_**Mana**_**, or **_**Chakra**_**, to rise from the outer of your soul to your body, causing you to feel sort of charged. This is a different way to do it than most, but it gets the job done. Then run with your all."**_

"Alright. Some excitement!"

/Places palms together\

"**Mena Ah-Nah Ne-Veh Argo-Uus, Mena Ah-Nah Ne-Veh Argo-Uus, Mena Ah-Nah Ne-Veh Argo-Uus, Mena Ah-Nah Ne-Veh Argo-Uus...**"

As the mantra is repeated, the feeling of utter elation and energy fills his essence. Jackie realizes the feeling of his affinity with fire, palpable upon his very skin and at his very core.

"/Desperately\_**Now finish up by chanting once: **_**LoTen Irsha Vel-Ahn Elvfrir SarBuuk**_**. That should do the trick"**_

"**LoTen Irsha Vel-Ahn Elvfrir**!"

The rise of power is now immense. The deep blue chakra field is dark, yet highly noticeable and strong sense of awe and wonder permeates beyond his being. All asleep in the surrounding buildings sigh simultaneously. Even to one such being as _**The Unseen**_, who has lived countless eons, this is something spectacular.

"_**Woah! Kid! Try to tone it down! If I knew you were this powerful, I'd have given you a lesser mantra. I thought your mana pools had hardened, as most do when they don't put them through use, but I guess I hadn't counted on your bloodlines. **_

_**Now try to put a little damper on the field of power, before people have a chance to register the situation; we are supposed to be gettin' away. Not getting noticed is a priority here, so you'll have to calm down considerably.**_

_**Whisper the chant: **_**Bor-Tay Elvfrir, Co-Sves Oc-Tir Oc-Tir LoTen**_**, and the power will recede into your body. From there, we can esca—oh, shit, she's pretty much on top of you. Better utter the mantra and be ready to floor it!"**_

Jackie deftly and quickly evokes the chant, just as Anko steps up behind him.

"**Bor-Tay Elvfrir, Co-Sves Oc-Tir Oc-Tir LoTen**. /Turns around\ Goodbye… friend."

And with that Jackie Estacado makes a run for it. And Anko Miterashi gives chase.

Like cat and mouse they bob and weave out of alleys, Jackie leads and Anko follows. None but a trained S-rank jounin can track the pursuit as it speeds through the various streets and avenues. One minute they are there, the next: gone.

"_**Lose her. I know you have eyes for this chick, but you do have to rest sometime. The last thing I need in this day and time is a media circus or a rumor carnival. Please."**_

With such ease and elegance, he maneuvers in midair. He gives the woman a little smile, and disappears. And a little farewell rhyme lands on her ears.

"Be he adored or be he hated

Be he reluctant or be he baited

Once his heart the good woman sees

This man's love belongs to she."

This and the lingering sight of those shining blue eyes sets Miss Anko Miterashi on the quest to finding her light-fingered crush.

-------------------------------------------------------The Heady Thought----------------------------

Back at Naruto's apartment, Jackie wonders about his nighttime activities, while sitting in the same chair as before.

"What do I do with this money?"

"_**Use it, but in small amounts. I suggest stashing it for now. I suggest using a bit of shadow and making a little bag you can stick in this here chair's compartment."**_

/Thinks\ "Hmmm… Okay. Seems alright, for the moment. We'll have to move it somewhere else better soon, so we can keep the heat off my gracious host and ourselves."

Jackie forms the dark container, places his loot in it, and places it in the arm compartment of the reclining chair.

"_**Good night, Jackie."**_

"Good night _**Ryuk**_."

Jackie takes a good amount of the shadows and forms a large blanket, and settles down in the chair, just as dawn begins to break. Thief and familiar fall fast asleep as first faint rays of the sun hit the village.

And the new day comes.

-----------------------------------------------To Be Continued…..-----------------------------------

How was that? I believe I got some ground covered with this Fic. I set the tone again and we haven't even seen another day through.

A note on my methods these days: I don't skip. Important things happen in just a few hours. The timeline for each chapter is about eight hours, give or take. The most I'll skip over at the moment is two hours, if there are no really interesting things to observe, which is rare in this Fic. It's like 24, but without all that other stuff. That said, time is a key component in this story.

Unfortunately, time is a problem in real life too. My dad turned off the internet connection _just_ as I got to the end notes, so I didn't get to fulfill my promise to one certain dude to get this up at midnight. As a consequence, I'm going to get an angry letter, probably. It might be a Q or an F. J might be another candidate for that mystery angry letter.

Besides that, I'm good. Reviews have been getting more intelligent as the days went by, and my polls are starting to get some attention. Now if only a few more guys participated in the polls, I'd be satisfied. I also have a goal of getting over 100 reviews by summer. It's a sorry hope, so I'll leave it up to you guys and your whims. I don't care about how cohesive the reviews are; just make sure you guys writing them get the point across.

And don't, please don't, ignore my beginning and end notes; they are for your future enjoyment. If you think the story sucks **TELL ME DAMMIT**!!! I don't like it when some dickhead asshole makes some abusive review without any real helpful advice: I HATE THESE!! Whenever you have some thorn up your ass about this particular thing or that particular thing, and don't try to make some reasonable motive to your tirade, I won't call down the thunder; I'll just rip your evil butt apart. Hell hath no fury like a good man pissed off. Woman may be a bitch, but if the peaceful man goes on a rampage it is hell to behold. So don't give me flak without some **serious** protection, for I carry the bigger gun.

Whew. I blew off some steam, there. Now for the meat of the matter: pay attention to everything for the cost of nothing else and I'll give you my gratitude. Simply put: Be sure to take in everything in the story, measure all its detail. Look at separate facets and perspectives, then root out the flaws, judge how important these flaws are and think about how they are truly flaws, and then finally send me a review or PM telling me of your conclusion on my story. I shall read it, look it over, and decide for myself if you're making a good point. Don't be pissed if you don't get an answer for a while, or that I don't agree with your critique. This is natural and happens a few times. I hope you good people understand.

That's all I have to say for now, so please poll and review: I need it.


	3. Getting Aquianted

Hey fans

Hey fans! Decided to get started the same day I added the second chapter! Hope this makes it to the story before sundown! Woo me! Yeah!

--The Dark Day--

Naruto wakes up, and watches from his bed as Jackie settles down. He does the most startling thing: he makes himself a blanket… out of a shadow Need to ask him questions when he gets up. Now to investigate how the dark creatures' handiwork…

The dark blond surveys the apartment. No sign of a body anywhere, and they were practically decorating every wall when he went to sleep. The minions did their service well. 

As for the blood stains, well, most of them disappeared, except for the ones on the high domed ceiling. Who knew that bodily fluids could get in such strange places? As long as no one looks up, there will be no questions on the matter. 

Now how did the two occupants deal last night? Let's hope that nothing happened…

'**Too late,' **proclaims Kyuubi.** 'Your new **_**friend**_** has redecorated the sanctum. My cage now looks like some abysmal dungeon. Congratulations, you let **_**another**_** demon into your mind. You must be proud of yourself!'**

'Are you sure you're just not being dramatic?" Naruto notes, "It was a sewer before, and it's a dungeon now. Not much of a difference…'

'**But it's the **_**bodies**_** that bug me, not the background and-- Oh GOD there goes another one!!'**

'I've gotta see this for my self…'

Naruto delves into his mindscape to observe the differences in the "home décor". As he looks around, he sees the bodies Kyuubi was talking about. Whole, halved, minced, sliced, hanging from ropes and chains, floating in mid-air, floating along a small river in the middle of the cold stone floor, piled up, twitching, walking, slithering—there is no end to the cornucopia of cadavers. His personal demon is in a cage, shivering and whimpering at the ghastly company abound.

"Uh, Kyuubi-chan? Are you feeling alright," Naruto uncomprehendingly asks. "You seem out of sorts…"

The spooked fox spirit looks up at him with incredulous anger.

"**WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU IDIOT," **She screams, **"Where the hell do you think all the bodies went? Those creatures don't digest the food, they **_**transport it**_**!! And every few minutes, **_**he**_** comes out, eats some, rolls in them, throws them around- it's REALLY disgusting! For the love of GOD please get rid of him, he's not exactly a warm relative to me you know."**

Kyuubi is now hysterical. Both terms.

"Uh, Kyuubi, I can't do that," Naruto states reluctantly, "I had to take _**The Darkness**_ upon myself to save Jackie's life, and that's how it's gonna stand. I'll ask him to eat faster, okay?"

Even this doesn't seem to calm down the fox-girl.

"**It's not just that, though it's pretty bad, he—"**

"No amount of complaining is going to change my decision," Naruto interrupts, "You two are just going to have to hoof it, and--"

"**He **_**gives**_** things to me that are really creepy. First, it was the proffered corpse, then it was the little furry Darkling /**Gestures to a small, cute, and manic critterromping around in the corner**\, some ragged dolls, and to top it all: that book of creepy poems."**

Kyuubi holds up a small book that looks like it's bound in skin, with the visage of a gothic seal on the front. She opens it up and cites a line.

" '**Bequoth Serias Shale: I die but yesteryear… Aye, I died upon Easter here.' "**

"Aww, that's sweet- if… freaky. Listen Kyuubi, I don't intend to throw him out. And it seems he likes you a little—"

"**More than a little…"**

"That's besides the point," Naruto says, "You need to cut him some slack, he's not used to having another in here—"

"**The hell he's not. I haven't either, so—"**

"That's still beside the point," Naruto interjects, "Look, my friend: please allow our, uh, _occupant_ to get used to life in here. That way, we can make way for some sort of compromise. Sound okay to you?"

Kyuubi furrows her brow in a sincere expression of pure meditative thought.

"It's not something you have to think on. Just give him some sort of respect so he can keep from going insane from your constant bitching."

"/Infuriated\** Why I—"**

"This is _NOT_ UP FOR DEBATE DAMMIT! He is a fairly unnerving being, I know, but he is as much a sentient being as you are. /calms and takes a deep breath, then sighs exasperatedly\ Don't you realize even a **bit that you're being biased? Life needs all varieties of beings to give it purpose. If there were only pleasant beings, we'd be suffocated by our own nature. Give the poor andeity some slack. The wretched bastard hasn't truly had a rest since his birth."**

Naruto looked towards Kyuubi with renewed patience. His eyes were changed. No longer an innocent cerulean, they had a different effect upon the demoness. She practically caved in on the spot. Unfortunately, she also lost grip on the current conversation. Drool was sustained barely by her quivering lip.

"**Ohmygawd! So sexee-e-e-e-e-e-e!"**

"**Oh, Lord. I thought my ****Change**** would come just a little later. Brilliant. Just brilliant. Right in the middle of resolving a problem. /**Shouts towards the "sky"\ **Thanks for the fantastic timing Harlequin! I'll thank you with my STEEL TIPPED CLEATS MEETING YOUR ASS!!"**

Several dimensions away, in some forgotten cave…

A mysterious figure with the look of a severely twisted clown stirred in his meditation atop a humongous stalagmite.

"Something tells me Naruto won't like me very much when I pop in next time…"

Back in Naruto's vast mindscape

Naruto pinched his brow. This sucked. Having a demoness who had the attention span of a hyperactive gerbil on a severe sugar high was not his idea of a wise, all-knowing helper who always had ages of experience behind every word. That would be the reason why he hated the **Hanyou Metamorphosis** so damn much… 

"**Alright, Kyuubi no Kitsune-baka. Calm down or I'll have to redirect your attention the **_**regular way**_

The demonic "fangirl" immediately straightened up and looked like she was really not wanting another "reminder" of the current situation. The mind-blowing orgasms weren't worth the evil hangover of a thousand hours that she would have to endure. **Hell Fingers** was one of Harlequin's more useful (and remarkably irritating) **Sha Kerla Circinate Affinity Diagas**. It was also Naruto's favorite "attention-bringing tool" to use on Kyuubi. One tap on either temple and the ancient would go writhing into a seemingly endless assortment of neural experiences. 

"**Good. I don't like threatening constantly, so I might just inflict it on you without warning. Please try to regard me with some dignity. We **_**are**_** friends, but there is a limit to how much I'll excuse your exceedingly unrepressed strangeness. Even though I am ****Changing****, I'd like nothing to change between us. **

**Anywho, back to the subject at hand: **_**The Darkness**_**. It's staying. Period. Please try to deal, and meanwhile I'll deal with 'Ol' Gruesome' and work out some sort of satisfying compromise…"**

Kyuubi smirks… sorta…

"**Alright. I understand. By the way… that shade of purple goes nicely with those pupils. The rearranged eyebrows are a nice touch too. Add to that the fact girls would "dye" for that hair."**

Naruto's angular eyebrow raises slightly.

"**And this observation is relevant how…?"**

"**Let's just leave it at your fan club will have some additions from the Sasuke Fan Club."**

"**Fantastic. My hair now looks like a rat's nest."**

"**No, no. It's just darker. You remind me of a particularly interesting satyr, is all. Now, please go see that our new occupant gets his welcome…"**

Naruto turns and dashes away. All the while, Kyuubi leers at the adventurer's attractive retreating form… particularly the ass… Things are going to get interesting very soon…

The Darkness's Hideout

The teenage shinobi nears the rather large maw to a gargantuan cave. Inside, various darting forms of strange beasts could be seen. The only still shapes that could be made out were the various toothy geological formations and a semi-human silhouette sitting cross-legged in meditation…

"**Hello, 'Master'? I wish an audience…"**

The age-old sentience stirred. Its eyes opened, revealing irises as golden as the harvest moon and "whites" as black as pitch. When _**The Darkness**_ speaks, it's usually rough and growling voice has a rather refined tone, as if treating this affair as a business arrangement.

"_**Ah. It is expected. I am glad you were able to come to terms in a relatively short time. I give you merit for not waiting for me to come out to engage myself in a conversation. Most hosts are too frightened to even start the dialogue themselves, the gutless worms. So: on to the topic at hand…"**_

"**Thank you. Being not the only resident within here, I suggest you try to practice some restraint around your… roommate. Kyuubi is not exactly capable at this moment to deal with your courtship. **

**Although you are rather traditional in some ways, such as gift-giving and poetry, your overall nature bothers the silly girl. And I, wanting to put a stopper in what sort of debacle this could develop into, would like if you tried to lie back for a while, just until my Kitsune friend comes to her senses."**

The andeity looked amused. 

"_**I did not comprehend why she would refuse one such as me; I thank you for the advice. I suppose I would not know much in the way of successful courtship, seeing as the last time I had a serious relationship with an other… various factors fell apart. Ever since, I have been more concentrated on the war on Light and the renewal of the sin of carnage in man. **_

_**Overlooking such a factor is an egregious fault that is entirely mine. I… ap- - olo- - gize… for… my… mistake…"**_

In the final statement, _**The Darkness**_ looked to have trouble pushing out his reconciliatory statement. Obviously he didn't like admitting when he was imperfect. Some ego…

"**Thanks. I'll go tell Kyuubi you'll try to restrain yourself, and I'll remind her to keep her lid on. I wish you a dark morning."**

"_**As I you. We will commence your training at noontide. Forget and there will be dead chibi fairies eaten slowly away by writhing maggots filling your sleeping hours."**_

Naruto's eyebrow noticeably twitches.

"**I'll keep that in mind…"**

And with that, he marches off to inform Kyuubi of the good news…

**To Be Continued… shortly…**

**So! How was that? Hey, I know how short it was, but c'mon! I'm pressed for time with all you wonderful fans crying for a new chapter… I'll add more to this chapter as soon as I can. **

**In the mean time- VOTE IN THE POLLS! And to the self-righteous dick who voted for the ****BLAM THIS PIECE OF CRAP!! **** : I really don't like liars. With the storm of reviews I've been getting (most of them quite intelligent), I think the people agree that this **_**isn't**_** a piece of crap. **

**I thank all the great, wonderful, fantastic people who were a part of the reviews (except for the aforementioned person)!! I love to hear from every person of every point of view (even the "assholes").**

**See you around!**


	4. Welly welly welly well!

Alright, it's come to my attention that people are still somewhat interested in this fic. In fact, this is the most popular of my fanfictions, old and new.

That is why it gives me such displeasure to announce that this fanfiction, Gore and Cigars, is going to be shut down.

You see, I've gotten better at reading, my readers, and I've looked over this fic again. I cringed, reading this over again. Now, it astounds me that you found some amount of entertainment from this.

And thus, I find no pleasure in discontinuing this.

However- I will write a new crossover like this, NarutoXThe Darkness, with Jackie coming into the Naruto universe.

That said, there will be differences. Jackie's history will be different, how Jackie talks will be different, how things play out will be different, when things happen, how Naruto will gain the Darkness will be different, and what the hell happens will be different. The redundancy of this paragraph should hammer this fact through your skull: things will be different.

As in, not the same. In fact, there are even more differences; for instance, the Darkness won't act or speak the same way (it won't have an over-defined gender or be crushing on the Kyuubi no Kitsune), I'll attempt not to inject God Give Him Will lore(_planned_ lore; that fic didn't work out either, I'm afraid…) into the story(none of the magic migraine fingers or any o' that…), Anko won't be a raging slut(still pervy, but more private about it than her fingering herself in public and shit like that), and some other details, like a prologue on both sides of the void(in the respective universes).

Not to mention I've actually read up on my material and now know exactly what the hell I'm talking about.

A few elements _will_ carry over from this story, like Naruto's relationship with the opposite sex, the depression Konoha's way deep in, and dimension travel and Equilibrium lore will be a definite part of Jackie's lore.

Some things to do before reading my reloading of the Naruto/The Darkness crossover:

Watch Equilibrium. Just watch it. It was made by the same duo that brought you the Matrix Trilogy, that should be reason enough.

Download The Darkness via Rapidshare (Pain in the ass that the wait is, it's reliable and at least the wait's not more than twenty minutes between downloads (. The very link you wanna use; anything else is bullshit))

Download the decrypting/unzipping program 7-Zip Portable (/apps/utilities/7-zip_portable just copypaste this link in the bar and it'll take you to the site you have to load. You can put this on a flash drive that's over 5 megabytes or a portable hard drive, and it works like a dream. All you have to do is set its target area in the same place as where you put your downloaded .cbr files(Documents worked best for me)) You'll need this to unpack the images of the comic from the zipped .cbr files, or else you're gonna have to rely on 's e-reader format-conversion services, which are made of utter fail.

After doing all that, you should be set(One extra thing your could do, though: download the Witchblade comic- it intertwines with The Darkness frequently…).

Oh, and if anyone can find that damn comic book crossover between the Batman and The Darkness, that'd be fantastic; it's constantly referred-to in the later issues of The Darkness, and I have nearly no idea what the hell they're going on about…

Cheerio until later, me buckoes, and if you want me to actually _do_ what I planned… TELL ME, DAMMIT! No use entertaining a lost crowd, ya know?


End file.
